how am i supposed to feel about that....?

Just remember this...........LOVE does NOT hurt.....EVEN the BEST friendships, should not hurt. What he did, was wrong. If he said it, then he feels it. He will say it again, if you let him get by with it.
Being alone for a while, will be better than letter someone drag you down.
You did not say if there are children in this relationship. If there ARE, then get out now. They do not need to be raised that way. They learn what they see. They practice what they are taught.
Don't let him off so easy. Women think they can NEVER find someone else. There is someone perfect out there for every one of us. I have been married 39 years and my husband has NEVER been turned off by my weight. He LOVES ME. That is what love is. You accept the GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY.
Don't settle, you do not deserve that.
Barbee

smileysoon wrote:

Thanks guys for all the support.
We had a bit of a screaming match and tears (him too!) today and he can't even remember saying those things to me last night (he was pissed....the best type of truth serum!!)
He is very down on himself now and can't believe he did say those things, at least he knows it was hurtfull i guess....
I know the relationship is not the best, there are lots of things not right with it! It's the first serious relationship i've ever had!, the first one where we live together and i guess i just don't want to be on my own again...... Apart from the company it's so nice not to have to be the only one paying all the bills!!
I know none of those reasons are the right ones to be wanting to stay in a relationship... i guess i'm just not ready to change lanes yet.

Cheers

Smileysoon

I'm with Lellz!

- Angel

What a PRICK!!!

good on you for having the courage to leave!!!! How terrible that you had to deal with such a person.

Thankyou for sharing you're story.

Oh huni,

Being intoxicated is NEVER an excuse to disrespect and belittle you're partner and make them feel like inadequate.

Just the fact that you're partner said it drunk means that he is thinking it when he is sober and is just using being "drunk" as an excuse to say what he thinks without having consequences because he a valid reason. NO NO NO!

However, its you're life and if you think that he is genuinely sorry for what he said then you should work things out.

Just remember.. there are Plently of fish in the sea and if this man doesnt see the beauty in you then someone else will. Never make you're self feel as though you dont have any other options.

Goodluck xx

Run, as fast as you can...

Respect needs to be the core value of any relationship, and pissed or not, the mere fact that he used the word 'repulsed',

instead of many other softer, kinder words is ringing alarm bells with me.

As you said, you are devastated. Dont give him the power to do that to you again.

You arent married, theres no kids involved.

Run and go find someone with a kinder heart. Theyre out there!

You deserve it.

Just my 2 cents.

Deb

Oh Angel. Big hug. Big, big hug. HUGE! Thankyou for sharing so generously x

ok am gonna be blunt and am sorry if its not what u want to hear

i lived and married a man who i thought loved me for me ( i was size 16 and fit then). Over the years and kids I gained weight, and he always used to say (in jest) if you were skinny you would be a hornbag. goodness it used to break me to tears, and u know i resented it so i guess i put on weight cos i didnt want to be loved for that!

and he would joke with the boys - here comes mummy - u can hear her elephant feet walking down the corridor.

some days he would come up and grab both sides of my bum and shake the shit outta it and go look at that jelly wobble, its still going.

oh every 3 months i would have a breakdown, tell him why and he would say i am sorry babe i love you and i am just joking.

Our sex life was nothing becuase i failed to reward a man who thought i was repulsive, even though he never said it.

I lasted 13 years with this man - it ended because i nearly committed suicide and i realised it was becuase i was having a nervous breakdown, i was suicidal depressive.



ironically i left him, a year or so later met anothe rguy who was full of praise etc, then after a year said things like, if u werent so big we coudl do this and that (i was size 18)

it tookeme YEARS and i mean YEARS of councelling to feel comfy about myself.

I have had a few quick relationships, then i met my current man. He loves me for me, and even yesterday said to his mum and sister who popped in and didnt really notice my 20kg lost, he said she looks great doesnt she!!!! i almost cried.. i later thanked him and he said but babe u do look great, its not hte weight lost, its the happiness in your face, the confidence your feeling.

When hes drunk he emphasises on how much he loves me, how beautiful i am to him and that his life is so much better with me in it - now alcohol emphasises how people feel....... i like those words better.

I guess my point is - ur one year out - and are u gonna live waiting for the good times to outweigh the bad? 13 years i wasted babe, and immesurable damage to me.

I would ask him now, so how do u really feel? and also are u doing this weight loss for him or for you???? these men are never happy trust me

wishing u love and light x

I take my hat off to you for staying with him, coz there is no chance that I could have. My Ex of 4 years had said something similiar to me. Things changed and there was too much anger on my part. I was so angry at him for feeling that way because I loved him uncondtionally and couldnt understand why he didnt love me in the same way.

I have never regretted my decision. It was very hard in the beginning, i wont lie, but after about 2 months later it got easier and easier as time went on.

My train of thought was I would rather be alone and happy with myseld and life then be miserable with him. He never appreciated what I did for him or that I loved him no matter what.

You deserve someone that loves you unconditionally and I truely believe that there is that special someone out there for all of us.

Good luck with moving forward and I sincerley hope things work out for you. Just know that you are stronger then you think and its not you!



Cheers

Gordana29

Smileysoon - you're a better woman than I if u can progress in your relationship beyond those comments. I don't think I could. Hard to get into the mood for love with that elephant in the room!!! Ask yourself...is this the person I would want to be with regardless of what I look like? Is this the person I would be with if I didn't need to worry about the bills? If the answer is yes , by all means work at it. If no, I should think u deserve better. You're short changing yourself and hopefully u discover this sooner rather than later. All the best.

oh Peazles... I just love you!!!

However its said.... I agree.

and I just wanted to say how lovely you all are ...

glad to hear things have improved for you and your OH smiley :) Just remember this is a journey for you both and if he has been trying, it has to show he cares about you I think. We all make mistakes, especially when we are drunk, if you can move on and give it a go then good on you. And if at the end of the day it doesn't end up working out then so be it, all part of the journey and you will find the right man is out there for you, whether it is this man or not :)

Good luck
Jed

thanks all, he's been great since then, it makes it really hard to look back at the bad times. but i guess thats part of the cycle

smileysoon x

Wish this forum had a 'like' button. So much sense and good advise!

Get rid of the arsehole. Being drunk is no excuse for saying such things.

'The heart wants what the heart wants'

An old saying, but a valid one.

When a man says he finds you 'repulsive', especially when he says it when he is drunk,he is saying something that is calculated to hurt, to maim, or to get a reaction. This is cruel, and wrong.

However.

Marriage is a two way street. I think men are far more vulnerable and emotionally stunted than women. I don't think they express themselves well, as it is something they are not taught to do, as women are, in our society.

Love and hurt can be very close. I am not condoning what he said to you, but if you want to stay with him, you need to explore WHY he said it.

Are you the same girl he married? Fell in love with? Do you love who YOU are? Is your weight making YOU hate who you are? Is it possible that your feelings about your body are indirectly being mirrored by him?

Maybe he is expressing worry, insecurity, and a sense of loss for the woman he fell in love with? He just lacks the tools to express that.

Men are far more complicated than we give them credit for.

Try to look at it from his side, open up a dialogue, and talk if you want your marriage to mend.

Just a thought.

Reading this has just made me appreciate my darling husband so much more for the beautiful loving man that he is, he too loves me regardless of size. I can't imagine how I would feel if he said the things to me that your man has said to you :( So you know we all agree that what was said was not right, but at the end of the day it's your life and your relationship. If for whatever reason you think you want to work at the relationship then that's your choice and you never know, maybe just maybe your partner might come to appreciate you weight issues and all. I really hope if you stay in the relationship that he does work hard to deserve you staying with him. :)

wishing you happiness, love and respect
Jed

When you brought up what he said, Smileysoon, and he said he didn't remember... and is feeling bad about it, did you ask him if he meant/believed it? Whether or not he remembers saying it, he did, and it did explain a few things to you about your intimate relationship. Have you asked if him if he believes what he said. Often the deep down feelings/ regrets/ etc come out when other inhibitions are down.

I do hope you work this out, but you have already said that you know the reasons NOT to stay with him.

smileysoon wrote:

i just don't want to be on my own again...... Apart from the company it's so nice not to have to be the only one paying all the bills!!
I know none of those reasons are the right ones to be wanting to stay in a relationship... i guess i'm just not ready to change lanes yet.
Cheers

Smileysoon

Oh gosh hun...... im glad you realise those reasons ARENT right to be in a relationship...

Have you thought about speaking to someone about why your feeling this way?

I would so much rather be on my own with no money than have someone speak to me in that way. Being pissed just gives people the freedom to say and do things they cant manage to say when sober.

I am really worried for your emotional wellbeing and I hope that you are able to get the support you need very very soon.

I also hope you can maybe both come to a decision about your relationship that makes you both happy.

Thanks guys for all the support.
We had a bit of a screaming match and tears (him too!) today and he can't even remember saying those things to me last night (he was pissed....the best type of truth serum!!)
He is very down on himself now and can't believe he did say those things, at least he knows it was hurtfull i guess....
I know the relationship is not the best, there are lots of things not right with it! It's the first serious relationship i've ever had!, the first one where we live together and i guess i just don't want to be on my own again...... Apart from the company it's so nice not to have to be the only one paying all the bills!!
I know none of those reasons are the right ones to be wanting to stay in a relationship... i guess i'm just not ready to change lanes yet.

Cheers

Smileysoon

I'm so sorry that you had to hear that from him - I so agree with what Pierced Mumma said.
Please think if you really want to be with someone who has said these horrible things to you, is he worth it?
My husband still chases me, Ican't understand why he wants me at 128 kilos, but he does. He loves me and doesn't care what size I am, as long as we are together.

I agree with Fishy and Chris, and also pierced mumma put it really well - you deserve SO much more than that. You want someone who will love you no matter what.

Take care and BIG HUGS!!!

Hi smileysoon,

I feel your pain I really do. I have been married for 20 years and my husband and I havent been intimate (sex or even a kiss or hug) in about 6 months. He has not said that he finds me repulsive but I am sure that is what he is thinking.

Plus I think a lot of it comes down to how I feel about myself and I have probably pushed him away once too often, as I was scared about him seeing/feeling my body. So I think a lot of it comes from our lack of confidence in our bodies as well.

But to hurt you like that is unforgivable in my mind. In the movies the girl would dump him, get skinny and get a new hot boyfriend and rub it in his face! But in the real world I know how hard it is to hear something so negative from someone you love. Maybe let him know how he has made you feel, because some men are just not sensitive to what they say and dont realise how hurtful words can be.

Good luck. Sending you a BIG HUG
Love Cath x

Yes, Fishy, you're right - my hubby is the same with me.
In fact, he looks at old pics of me and says "oh, I didn't realise you were quite that big then - I never noticed!"
We all need someone who loves us for all of us, not just a small (no pun intended) part.

I know it's hard with matters of the heart... but you did ask for our opinions, so you will get them.

I would find it impossible to be with someone who didn't find me attractive. My DH lusted after me at over 170kgs, and is still doing so now I am in the 130s...
This means to me, that if 'something' happens and I gain a little, I won't be worried that he is feeling repulsed, but know that he loves and wants me no matter my size. In fact I asked him will he still want me if I am a healthy weight..... his answer, of course, was yes, he loves me for me, no matter my size. That is the type of man you want... you need and you deserve!!

Exactly - what she said!!!