Husband not supportive

Very happy for you Beck!!

That's great news Rebecca!

Hi
Just wanted to update and say my hubby came around and has been very very supportive. He was at the hospital on surgery day for around 14 hrs and took a few days off work to be with me.
I'm 10 days out n feeling good, all the better because he has been beside me through out, I knew he would, he wad just worried.
Rebecca

While this is slightly different it goes along the same lines as what you've been talking about.

A friend of mine has PCOS, and after a lot of trouble falling pregnant with her first child and a large weight gain because of it, she had a lap band to help her fall pregnant again. She told me, her husband and his parents, but she never told her family because she didn't want to hear their negativity. She has found it hard to keep such a secret from her family, especially her mum, because she'd like to share her weight loss joy with her. (She's currently pregnant with #2 so it did it's job)

When I was thinking about getting the sleeve I mentioned it to her and she asked me if I was going to tell my parents. I said I thought they'd be happy about it so I couldn't see it being a problem. After the initial shock wore off my parents were thrilled to bits with the idea. A close friend of ours has had it done and Mum and Dad knew how well she'd done with it (mind you, she had a lot more to lose than I do) so they had at least seen it in action. They've asked me a few questions, read up on the procedure and even offered to pay for it. I can't imagine not having their support at this time. It's such an emotional rollercoaster anyway and to not have any support would be heartbreaking.

I wish she could have had the support from her family that I'm getting from mine. I wish you all could too.

Tash, I have sent you a PM. I hope that you are OK.

Thanks Gottarhyme and Paity
Dear Gottarhyme
My partner is mostly very good with my boy and it has only been occasionally when he is not feeling well and I must say never physically but at times has been mean and I have had to step in. It is not abuse. I would not tolerate that and would not be living here if it was.
But thanks for your support. I will definitely look into how I can organise myself beforehand and also into how I can get some outside support too.
He grew up in another culture where women have their job in the home and the men do all the manual work.
He works extremely hard. Has a full on work ethic. Is a good provider. He loves us very much. He just sometimes is not nice when overtired. I am also working on him about it. Sometimes getting through to him. It is a work in progress. Unfortunately though he doesn't do much in the way of general household duties. That is left up to me. I usually don't mind this as I know how hard he works. He is also in the process of upgrading our kitchen.

I am fine and my boy is fine too.
A friend has offered to come and childmind while I am in hospital. Great news. Hubby can still work in his business which is how we pay the mortgage. There is a lot of stress in life isn't there.
Mustn't jump to conclusions.

Tash wrote:

Hi
My problem is that I have a son 6 and a partner who is a tradesman and works long hours and was also diagnosed with diabetes at Xmas. He gets very tired and grumpy and I know he will not be much help when I go for my op. My mother is 89 and too old to really do much to help either. Then most of my friends work.
I am worried that I won't have enough help with my son and also for me when I have my sleeve done. Also if in the unlikely event something went wrong and I had to stay longer in hospital I would be up poop creek so far as having someone look after my little boy. I am fairly concerned because sometime my partner gets grumpy and takes it out on our son. I am usually there to be the go between to smooth things over. Does anyone have any ideas?
Concerned!

Can you organise for a friend to help? Sometimes it is hard to ask friends and neighbours, but you may be surprised at the response. As for getting help to care for your son, you need to explain that Mummy will be a little sore for a few days, and will need HIS help. Perhaps you can contact a home care agency in your area? Or perhaps put your child in temporary day care?

In the meantime, start cooking meals for your family that can be defrosted in the microwave to eat each day. You will not feel up to cooking. Little 6YO boys and girls can put toast in a toaster and make a sandwich themselves if they are taught how.

And as an aside, if my husband or partner was hurting my son emotionally or physically, DOCS would be involved. I don't care how grumpy he is! No grown man has the right to take out his bad moods on an innocent child.

Sorry if I overstepped my bounds, but as a Teacher, I see the end results of children who are bullied and emotionally or physically abused by men, mostly stepfathers, and fathers and it isn't pretty.

WOW - I'm am totally amazed at how your partners cannot be supportive of a life threatening illness! :(

I honestly have to kiss the ground that you ladies walk on who are going through with this surgery WITHOUT your husbands support!

I talked to mine when I first decided to get it done, and he has supported me since day one. I honestly wouldn't be able to go through with it without his support! He has even put in for 2 weeks of annual leave around the time I have my operation so he can take care of me while at home!!!!! Without him I wouldn't get it done!

It just amazes me that someone who is willing to stand through you in good times and in bad can say 'they don't support it'.

Goodluck ladies, My hat goes off to you all! At least you have the support from the forum because I must say, this forum has got to be one of the most supportive groups I've found! :)

xxxxx

thanks for that pippa.
it was very encouraging and good to read.
maybe thats what it is, he's own insecurities that i may look too good (better than him) and may look elsewhere...lol....
no he's not a jealous type of hubby, he's just concerned for my well being and thinks that i am not that fat to do surgery and that i should just try to lose it the right way (???) ie thru diet and exercise.
he's 6 foot 4 and is only 100kgs.
he's always been lean all his life.
never been overweight so he has no idea how it feels to be overweight/obese...

Bec and Bec - Ozie's ide of meeting other sleevers close to you is great, I've met a couple of local sleevers and it really helps you feel more normal. I'm like Ozie - I had a band that worked beautifully and then failed, my husband was worried about the surgery but he has supported me through all 3 ops. He's funny though - I'm 47 and he thinks that as soon as I lose my weight I'll run off with a toy boy! For a fit, and (I think) handsome bloke he has his little insecurities too. This might be part of your guy's problem - when we're fat and insecure there's no threat, remember they fell for us because we were gorgeous!
A bit of dribble from me but maybe some use, good luck girls
xox
Pippa

Wow Ozzie thats awesome...
You really encouraged me with ur words and life change....
My husband is now more accepting of it, however, he still thinks i should try harder to lose weight, as he thinks i havent tried hard enough.
How many times do i have to tell him that i can lose the weight.
I know I can, coz ive lost it before and been slim, HOWEVER, i cannot keep it off and this is where the problem lies.
Thats why the sleeve is the best option for people like me who struggle with keeping their weight off!
The sleeve is a tool and I am using a tool (expensive one i tell ya!) to help me lose and keep the weight off FOREVER!!
I will never been this fat again, EVER!!

@ Beck:-
I too told my hubby that i wanna get a boob job done after the surgery.
I only just recently stopped breastfeeding my son who is now almost 2.
I breastfed for over 3yrs with only 1mth break in between as I had 2 children in 2yrs.
My boobs are a little saggy and I also want them 2 sizes bigger (LOL).
He doesnt really want me to do it but said he's ok with it (as he loves big boobies...lol).
My friend had a boob job done over 3.6yrs ago.
She did them in Thailand by an awesome doctor (she did her full research before deciding on that doctor) and only paid $3300 for them plus her plane flight to and fro and her accomodation in a nice hotel (i think that might have been part of the price she paid for her op). 3.6yrs later and she has had no problems with them at all.
Imagine that, losing weight and having a boob job, Lookout bikinis and beach, here we come!!! LOL
If your interested about getting them done, let me know and I'll give you the dr's details.

Bec :-)

Hi girls
It was interesting reading your posts - and I thought I would share a bit of my story.
I have a great husband who has never struggled with his weight - even though now and then when he might have gained a kilo or two, he would start running and lose it in a couple of weeks. So, he thinks that exercise and will power and a proper diet is the way to do it.
Anyway, over the last 35 years, he has lived with me as I gained and lost huge amounts of weight through my pregnancies, then paid for me to do all the weight loss stuff - including thousands for gloria marshall etc. And he even hit me to shut me up once when I was on duramine and was a screaming lunatic! (once only, I assure you, and lots of counselling for us both after)
Then in 2000 he supported me when I had a gastric band, costing us a few thousand, time off work, and then over the next ten years, numerous doctors visits to have the band adjusted, released, re-filled, gastroscopies for checking what was wrong, surgery to replace the port, and so many clothes as I kept growing. The band was great for the first year only - then the rest of the stuff above kept happening. And gym memberships that I never kept up, but had to pay for!
So, you can imagine he was glad when I finally decided to remove the band - more surgery. And then the depression - I forgot that - and the lack of confidence in looking for a decent job in order to support the growing kids.
And then when the band was to be removed, my surgeon actually told me about the sleeve - and that's when I got on here and started reading. I burst with excitement at the prospect of being restricted with my food intake but not require all the visits to the doctor.
Then I told my husband - who was horrified at the risks of the surgery, and the costs too. He was not at all happy to pay for more surgery - and insisted that we could lose my weight together. I promised to try to go to the gym as he does, and got a personal trainer, but I am not a gym person I finally realised. Money wasted and humiliation galore!

Then we both went to a meet-up in my hometown. This forum gives you so many tools to assist in making your decision - and meeting actual people who can tell you about living with the sleeve in the most realistic ways is the best selling point for your husbands to get on board with your decisions. My husband listened to the people, looked at them, and heard their enthusiasm, and spoke to another of the husbands who was there whose beautiful wife had lost half her bodyweight and gone off most of her medications from weight-related complications. That was the turning point for us - no more arguments, no more doubts. We were going ahead with this. This had now become "we" instead of "me".

And I can assure you that my husband is as happy as me now - two and a half months after surgery I am a happier woman, already off most of my medications, 14 kgs lighter, lost 51cm all over my body, gone from size 22 to a snug 18 at present - and enjoying my life!!!! And so is he I can assure you. I certainly have to keep working at my eating, in order to be at my healthiest and keep up the energy. I see my dietitian, who is worth anything she charges to get the right advice, and I keep seeing my surgeon to make sure all is ok.

So, if you can - get to a meet-up, or ask a member who lives in your town if he/she would be willing to meet, just to confirm your decisions. And it is your decision, but having that support in your home with your partner is so much more helpful.
Best wishes - sorry to ramble but I know just how you feel - and am so happy with my life now, and more in love with my husband too.
Ozzieloz

Hi cristabella
My husband is coming around to it, slowly. He has even said he'll do the opti fast diet with me (he only has to lose a little from his tummy)
I try n choose the best times to talk with him about it, n keep referring to "when I'm skinny"
I know how you feel about missing out on all the good things, I have a hard time some days keeping up with my 2yr old and want to feel more energy and motivation and I want to do it before he gets older. I want to be an active fun mum. I don't want to be the fat mum at school.
Unfortunatly the surgeon didn't put his mind to rest, I think he made it worse. As u know they have to talk about all the possible complications involved, which I think made him worry more..
But he knows I'll be happier when I've lost weight, it's ruining all aspects if my life also. I just want to lay pnbthe couch and hate going out Coz I've nothing to wear.
I have only gained so much weight the last 4 yrs and used to look really good, now I'm about 100+kg and really hate myselfcsnt wait to buy normal clothes and bras, not to mention lingerie!!
I'm hoping to have it done in feb, I'm waiting to hear from APRA if I can use my super to pay for it. I'll have an answer next we'd, but surgeons office is closed till 17th jan.
My in laws are coming from overseas in feb fir 3 months and will be able to look after the kids.
Just hope the surgeon is not too booked up after such along break.
I don't know wat they will think of me having the op but I've thought about it ever since my gp mentioned it in July 2009, initially I thought ifvthe band but am going withbthe sleeve.
I tried duromine also n it didn't work for me. Don't know if the dose was too low, but it did squat.
I'm hoping this will be it and I'll never be overweight again.
I used to be so confident now I'm so self conscious.
I also tell hubby I'm having a boob job and tummy tuck when I've lost weight!! Dont think I can pay for that with my super tho...lol
All the best, let me know how it goes for you.
I think our boys just worry cos the love us so much, he'll understand
Rebecca

Hi Rebecca and Rebecca,

I had the same thing happen with my husband. I told him early 2010 that I wanted to have an operation and he too said that I had to try the old fashioned way as I had done it before so can do it again.....HIS problem is that he doesn't want me having surgery for fear of complications. MY problem is that even if I do succedd in losing weight by myself .....again ..... I know that I will regain it all with the added bonus of a few extra kilo's.

Anyway, after trying so many diets during the year including duramine which did not curb my appetite at all I had finally had enough and told hubby that I really want to have this operation as my weight problem is consuming my whole life.

He now is more supportive but still wishes I wasn't going to have surgery. I need to do this for me even though I am petrified of possible complications and that is probably the one thing holding me back slightly. I am seeing my GP on Monday to get a referral and have already phoned the surgeon to make an appointment but am just waiting for them to ring me back (they are still on Christmas break). I just want to talk to the surgeon and ask him lots of questions to try put my mind (and my husbands) at ease.

Apart from the main factor - being healthier, I just want to be able to play and keep up with my children who are also young - 6 yo and 4 yo. I want to be able to go into a clothes store and buy the pretty clothes not the frumpy ones. I want to be able to go to the beach and go for a swim with my husband and children and not stand on the sand watching them.

Enough rambling from me.

Anyway, I hope you girls have this operation and the happiness that you both deserve. And I hope that I can go through with it too ... if my fears subside a bit.

Cristabella

I'm so sorry that you both are going through this.

My OH was supportive, but scared - but I'm so grateful that he was there with me the whole way.

If you are going to have to do this by yourselves, please be strong - but also take the support from the forum, and where ever you can get it - parents, friends etc.

*hugz* to you both.... I hope that your hubbys will come around in time - I'm sure they are also scared about the "what ifs"...

Hi Rebecca,
Thanks for your reply. My daughter's name is Sophie! She's 3 months and my son is Henry, he's 2.
I applied to APRA in nov and am still waiting a reply. I had to send them more info and it turned into a nightmare. Finally sent the last bits n bobs they needed the week before Xmas and think I'll give em a call later this week.
My husband has never been overweight and doesn't truly understand what it's like to battle your weight all your life. I was able to keep it off during my 20's but it all piled on in my 30's and then some. This is my highest ever weight...I'm so down on myself over it, and my libido is non existent now. It's one of the main reasons I need to lose weight, I need to feel sexy again and I just feel so down and unmotivated now. I'm so tired running after the kids all day, sex is last thing in my mind.
I'm hoping all this will change with weight loss. I hope I hear from apra soon and can book a date...
I'm feeling better about my decision and I think when it's done and I've list weight I'll feel better about telling ppl but right niw, I just want it done and to be losing weight and feeling better about myself.
Rebecca

cantwait wrote:

Hi Rebecca,



WOW!!!
My name is also Rebecca and I also have 2 children, Sophia who is 3yrs and 5mths, and Dimitri who is 1yr and 9mths old.
My husband also doesnt support me doing this operatio and also thinks I should do it "the old fashioned way" thru diet and exercise.
He's never struggled with weight all his life and doesnt understand how hard it is for me, "NOT TO LOSE WEIGHT" but "TO KEEP IT OFF!!!"
I also need him to take time off work to help look after the kids. I begged and begged him to take time off work and look after the kids. He finally agreed to take time off work but still doesnt agree with me going ahead with this op.
My op is booked for 4th march 2011 at concord hospital with dr david martin.
I am able to pay for it thru my super (via APRA's approval) for a total of $8615 (no health insurance). I submitted my apra application on 6th dec 2010 and was approved on 20th dec 2010 (didnt get the letter thought until 23rd dec 2010).
Ive told everyone and im not ashamed of it. This is my decision and im so happy to be going ahead with this decision.
I just wanna be healthy and enjoy my children better.
Ive put on 30kgs in 6yrs and its so depressing. Ive always been overweight but never obese. I cant wait to go down to my oal weight of 60kgs and walk into any clothes shop and try on anything without having to worry about my body!!!
CANTWAIT (hence my username....lol)
Im sure our husband's will come around in the end, especially when we're looking hooottttt!!!
Bec....:-)

Hi Rebecca,
WOW!!!
My name is also Rebecca and I also have 2 children, Sophia who is 3yrs and 5mths, and Dimitri who is 1yr and 9mths old.
My husband also doesnt support me doing this operatio and also thinks I should do it "the old fashioned way" thru diet and exercise.
He's never struggled with weight all his life and doesnt understand how hard it is for me, "NOT TO LOSE WEIGHT" but "TO KEEP IT OFF!!!"
I also need him to take time off work to help look after the kids. I begged and begged him to take time off work and look after the kids. He finally agreed to take time off work but still doesnt agree with me going ahead with this op.
My op is booked for 4th march 2011 at concord hospital with dr david martin.
I am able to pay for it thru my super (via APRA's approval) for a total of $8615 (no health insurance). I submitted my apra application on 6th dec 2010 and was approved on 20th dec 2010 (didnt get the letter thought until 23rd dec 2010).
Ive told everyone and im not ashamed of it. This is my decision and im so happy to be going ahead with this decision.
I just wanna be healthy and enjoy my children better.
Ive put on 30kgs in 6yrs and its so depressing. Ive always been overweight but never obese. I cant wait to go down to my oal weight of 60kgs and walk into any clothes shop and try on anything without having to worry about my body!!!
CANTWAIT (hence my username....lol)
Im sure our husband's will come around in the end, especially when we're looking hooottttt!!!
Bec....:-)

Hi girls,
I don't have a surgery date as yet but am hoping to have it done as soon as I get my super released, the earlier in the new yr, the better!
My husband is not supportive of me having the sleeve done and even argued with the surgeon in the consultation. He thinks I should be losing weight the good old fashioned way with diet and excersise, even tho I have tried to explain to him that I just can't do it on my own that way. I've been thinking of having this surgery and talking about it for 18months now, and I've decided to go ahead and do
it with or without his support.
I have only told my mum, my cousin who lives in Sydney(I'm in yeppoon) and one other person.
Has anyone else out there done this without support or not telling anyone?
My in laws will be coming to visit in feb and staying wth us for 3 months, I'm hoping to have already had the surg by then but I'm really worried how they will react to it, if their son is not on board...
I need his help as I have 2 babies, a 2yr old and a 3 month old, so I need my husband to take time off to look after the kids while I'm in hospital. I know he will do it but I'm sure it'll be done grudgingly..
Has anyone encountered a similar situation??
Rebecca