Badness as the black cloud of despair envelops me!

I am in no position to give advice, but I can give virtual hugs.



Hope things get better soon.

So hard.

I must have the most civilised divorce and sharing of the kids in the world! Mine are all grown up now, and can choose. They choose to love us both, and I am glad.

I never put my ex down to their Dad. He is not a bad man, he is a foolish man. The girls know what he is like, and they can accept that. In the end, it is both yours and his job to raise well rounded, functioning, and exceptional members of society.

I am pleased to say I have managed so far. They are terrific girls, and I am very proud of them. I have always been SUPER civil to my ex and his new wife. He never fought me for custody. Quite frankly, he didn't want them. He wanted his freedom. Well, his loss was my incredible gain. His elder daughters don't really have much of a relationship with their Dad. And he is not that close to either of them. They were VERY hurt when he left us. But they have a relationship, of sorts.

My best advice is NOT to pump your kids for information when they are with Dad. The ambulance thing could have happenewd on your watch too. Kids do dumb things. However, you might like to open up a conversation with your ex about it by seeing the HUMOUR in the situation! 'Silly little fella! He can be like that, can't he?' Give your ex a reason NOT to feel threatened that he might get a lecture, and you open a dialogue about HOW best to deal with the raising of your valuable, WHOLE members of society.

I used to pretend that my ex actually GAVE a damn, and I still do! I will talk to him for at least half an hour every week about how fantastic our daughters are, what they are doing, etc.

I even MAKE him go to their netball games and ballet concerts!

If I can't be there, I make sure he is. Kids LOVE when Daddy takes an interest, even if they don't know he had to be threatened and forced to be there! LOL!

Ok so for the update. I ended up getting the boys back last. I did something I said I wouldn't normally. I asked my dad to ring his mum and ask what was going on. Unfortunately it got the better of dad and HE ended up crying so mum spoke to her. Even when we together those 2 never talked. Anyway I rang him at 430pm said I was going to be there at 5pm as agreed. Low and behold they were home and the boys jumped in the car without incident. Funnily enough as it's Wednesday he is suppose to ring and of course he didn't. So much for wanting them as much as I do. The boys got their presents and they told me how Daddy had to ring an ambulance because 1 of them cracked their head on the table after jumping on their bed! I should be grateful he actually did something this time. Last time a concussion went undiagnosed for two days until I picked them up and realized something was really wrong. But that's another story.

So now my family. Things got a little heated but I'm still sticking to my guns. One if my sisters came over last night to see boys and give prezzies. Like she
said she only gets mums side as I dont normally openly tell people some of the
things mum has done and said to me. (mostly undermining my parenting skills)


Had to drop the boys off to my mum as we both worked today. She asked us
over for BBQ 2night. Her way of saying sorry.


It takes a lot of effort to hold a grudge besides the fact that I normally like my
family. So off we went 2night. There was a lot of joking about my 'mouth'.
Which to me means they still don't take me seriously and they still expect me to
stuff up. Anyway I bit my tongue. The boys had a great night catching cane
toads with my dad. I told mum I love her and she gave me a hug and told me
not to over react everytime someone says something!!! Grrrr.

So I'm being an adult- keeping my gob shut but I'm still sticking to my resolution. I love my family but I don't have to like them all the time. Thank you do much for all your words of wisdom. I think the hardest thing about life is learning to accept your family but also knowing that once your an adult you dont have to follow in their footpath.

My boys are so lucky they have do many people to love them. Mum told me dad has been crying slot lately. She thinks he thinks we're all going to lose them. Dad is 66. He comes across as so gruff and tough but he is such a softie. Poor darling. He shouldn't have to worry about my issues as well as his own.

Mandy I agree with you 100%. If they truly cared about the childrens welfare there would be no need for court orders.

Michelle so true, families are just too complicated and there is plenty of times when we could just walk away from them. We put up with the crap and deal it out too, because we do love our families and know we will forgive them and they will forgive us.

Hi,

My family are some like what has been described! I have decided after giving my family on my fathers side an out and a 5 minute conversation on Xmas day made up of umm, ummm, umm, I have told them if they don't want anything to do with me that's fine but just tell me! I don't want ur money! I don't want u to bail me out of situations but I want ur love! I am supposed to be part of this family but u have nothing to do with me! So I am disowning them!

Stand up for ur rights! Stand up for what u believe in and take no crap!

Ted

Sad but true Bec, i was divorced some 24 years ago and spent years with my Ex-husband trying to twist the court orders to suit himself, hell his unpaid child support debt shows me that he is still twisting things, and if you asked him today who was at fault in our relationship it would still be me, im the bad bitch, who left with his child, funny how three other women did the same thing to him long after i was gone, we are all just bad people i guess. I'm just very pleased to say my taste in men did improve as i got older.

Best advice i can offer any mum in this position stick to your court orders, your ex's dont deserve any different, if they were reasonable human beings the court orders would not be in place.

As Mums we do the best we can for our children and if that means we get painted as the baddie by our Ex's so be it, our children are what matters not our Ex's opinion of us.

warmly
Mandy

Just this Christmas I have decided that you can never win with ex's. We have court orders which cost me a lot of money and i swear he has never read them. He rings Christmas eve and tells me he will pick them up at 2 on Christmas Day (the orders say 4). I am then a "selfish bitch" because I tell him no, we aready have plans for that time. It's Christmas, did he think we wouldn't have plans! He constantly brings them back early, and while I would never say I don't want them home, I sometimes do have to cancel plans. What makes it worse is that he then tells people that I am difficult and won't let him see the kids. I try everything to make him happy, including given him profressional studio photos of the kids for Christmas worth hundreds of dollars. Not only does he not say thank you, he doesn't even look at them or say they are nice. So, from now on I will be following the orders directly, not asking for anything and definately no more Christmas and Birthday presents! Hope your situation improves but my only advise would be to follow those orders and speak to him as little as possible. Good Luck. xxx

I hate it when my family decides to target one particular member and become like a bunch of witches!

Maybe it's because I come from a large family of generations of females that I KNOW what you mean! My Mum often gets jealous if my sister and I are not fighting with each other, because she thinks that we are talking about HER if we are friends!

Juanita and I have finally realised this ONLY NOW as adult women, and have made a pact never to talk about each other to our Mum, as she uses anything we say as ammunition. You should HEAR all the crap my Mum has been saying about me lately because she is jealous that my sister gave me a couple of art works that may be worth money!

Families are complicated, and most things are storms in teacups that come to the fore occasionally because everyone carries a grudge about SOMETHING, and when nerves become raw, it brings those old resentments to the surface, and people say things they don't mean.

Don't let it eat at you. I know it's hard, but I find that writing a letter and burning it to be a very satisfying way to get all my anger out without actually causing MORE damage.

Remember, they really DO love you, and you really DO love them, even if sometimes you hate what they do!

I hate family sometimes... especially when you are the one trying to be an adult, and someone else is causing issues and the moment you say anything about it/react then you're the bad guy. How does that work?

Enjoy your bath... and I think your New Years Resolution sounds like a good one.

Thanks ladies. It's been a very stressful day. Now my sisters are on the bandwagon saying I shouldn't be so angry with mum and that I hold grudges. Geez I wonder why'd I do that? I wrote a little bit on FB knew I should have stayed away!

Anyway going to go have a bath a try and relax before I do anymore damage to my life. Lol! Yeah I should be known as Mel 'the mouth' McFarlane!!!!

Good for you Melinda, put your foot firmly down and keep it there hunni. I know a little of what you are going through both with ex and your mum. My daughter fell pregnant at 16 and when I told my mum she said it was all my fault and she went on a terrible tirade for months and months. She was a mean nasty vindictive lady who disowned her only grandchild because she was pregnant and my mum didn't like what image that would project of her to her friends. She didn't stop to think about what my daughter was going through (or me for that matter) or give her support in anyway shape or form. All this only 3 months after my Dad died who my daughter and I were extremely close too. Mum's can be so harsh and then turn around and talk to you or want something like nothing has happened.

My daughter who is now 19 has split from the father of Grace and this has been a 6 month nightmare for us all especially my daughter. He has constantly txt, rung or messaged her on Facebook. He has followed her, he has harrassed and intimidated her into giving Grace to him when she didn't want to (took us 4 hours to get her back). Wether you are a Mum or not no 19 year old should have to deal with bullshit like this. She should be enjoying life and enjoying her gorgeous daughter instead of being stressed to the max 24/7. Long story short 2 weeks before Xmas we ended up taking out a contact AVO against Grace's father and my daughter has had 2 weeks of peace and is a totally different young lady. Over Xmas I heard her laughing with her friends, with her daughter and her new boyfriend who is just lovely. My husband and I were just talking yesterday about how Xmas just isn't enjoyable anymore. It's stressful and I find myself wishing every year it would just go away. Our 3rd Xmas without my Dad and his last Xmas was awful as my Mum was a total bitch and there is no nice way of describing her behaviour that year.

Stick to your court order arrangements and then he has no where to go and he can't step outside the boundaries and keep them any longer. If they have been in place for a while he well and truly knows when he can and can't have the kids and should have the foresight to plan his time around that. As I said put your foot firmly down and keep it there. You have rights too. Sending big hugs to you and enjoy your kids when they come home.

Hi Melinda

I so hear you.

My daughter is in her mid 30s now, but we had similar problems when she was small, and it's a terrible position to be in. Now that she's a mother AND a step-mother herself, she appreciates it a lot more. However, in her need to be fair to both her father and myself, she gives him a lot more credit than I ever would have - because, of course, I defended him for years, and he's told his story too, in his own way...

Anyhow, it's all about the kids' needs. They do have the right to a relationship with each of you, but that doesn't mean you have to do anything beyond the court orders, especially in light of those kind of problems.

I totally support your new stance - stay strong, put your immediate family first, and hopefully the rest will follow...

This really sucks! I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time at the moment. Exes kind of suck like that, especially with children involved and same with mums; they always know how to provoke us when we really just need a cuddle and someone to love on us.

Your sleeve family is here for you, as is your hubby and your mum (even though it's a little raw right now). Remember you are loved and valued xx

Rang the ex to make sure all was ok for 5pm pick up. I must have known! I was told to get stuffed. That I was a dictator and he was sick of me telling him what to do! Ok so of course I fired and called him a f$&@ing c$&t! Geez I have NEVER used THAT word! I must be a tad upset!

The problem of course is despite court orders we had an extra verbal agreement. He had the boys for an extra 3 nights while his mum was visiting in lieu of me getting them tonight. This was so my family who are up from Melbourne could see them. The poor boys. I hate fighting over them. It's not fair. They're not a commodity they're children with hearts and souls and little brains that are overwhelmed.

I don't know what I was expecting. He has never been reliable. Never been fair never thought of anyone else but himself. He plays the nice guy and than burns me. I wear my heart on my sleeve and people use that to manipulate me. ENOUGH! It's not about them! It's about the boys. The have a right to know
their father in a safe & caring environment of his choice. This kills me but I've accepted that. He only got two nights a FN and half holidays and that is all he will be getting. It's time he plans his life around those court orders like
everybody else has to. I'm not going to let him bully me or manipulate me into doing something else. I only hope the boys will understand that as they get
older.

As for my mum. She asked me what I did to upset HIM! WTF is that? The rules
apply to her as well. She can't manipulate me because she WANTS the boys!

Thank god for my hubby!
So my New Years Plan:
If it's not in black & white and signed it doesn't happen.
Todd and I have the boys this is our immediate family. We than have extended family. Unless it suits our immediate family it doesn't HAPPEN!
For once Im going to put my immediate family and myself first. I can't keep doing everything for everybody else. I barely have enough energy to run the house & kids.

Sorry for the vent but it's better here than on FB were people WILL get offended. Everyone here is so supportive! Can't wait until I met up with a few of you in January.