Who did you tell ?

I think it's totally your surgery and experience, I think, having lurked on the boards for a while, that there is a serious self asteem issue among us. You can do whatever you want, and it's a personal choice if you want to tell anyone, as long as you have your support network in place. Who cares what anyone thinks. Just make sure you have your story ready for the questions! lol

Wow!  I've had a few crazy days at work (i.e. feral with way too much work on) and to log on tonight and see so many responses to this thread is amazing!

I can relate to each of you in some way or another, which is just so awesome and is making me feel so happy to have stumbled across this forum!!!

The reasons people have for telling or not telling people all make sense to me.  I too have that horrible skinny mother who always criticizes me about my weight but, I could bet my house on the fact that if I told her about the surgery she'd be negative and tell me it's cheating and why don't I have any will power etc.??? Ahhhhh!!!! The woman drives me nuts! lol!

I'm also the "fat" one in my circle of friends and work colleagues, so am not too sure how understanding they would be.  Having said that, they'll absolutely grill me when they start to notice I've lost weight.

So after this big rant, I think I've convinced myself that this is my journey, my experience and my weight loss so if people ask, I'm not going to lie - I'll just leave out the bit about the sleeve.

Thanks everyone, I'm loving this forum!

PLP

Jadzia reading your post made me sad and angry that you have so many shitheads around you (sorry, calling a spade a shovel). We're all your friends and we support you 1000%.

Your hubby sounds really lovely.

Sutika xoxoxo

 

Hi Meggie1, I could of written that post myself. Exact same story. 

Ive told the girls in work, because I,ll be off work, and we already have a staff member, who has had WLS done, and got support from the others. I have told my 22 year old son because we are very close,but havnt told my other adult daughters,just in case it gets back to my ex hubby and new partner, see wot you are missing ex husband!! My partner is aware and is supportive because he knows how happy it will make me, being able to wear nice clothes again, otherwise, any friends I will tell, that I am cutting back for my health,,which of course I am and leave it at that, bring on next Monday my sleeve date.

Oh, Jadzia, that must be really upsetting for you, having your mum say that kind of thing to you. I HAVEN'T always been big -I'm 166cm and at 18 I weighed 54kg - not tiny, but certainly not at all big (used to go on about my 'enormous' thighs, as you do at 18.....what I wouldn't give for those 'enormous' thighs now !!!) My mum is only 5ft (150cm or so  ?) and has struggled with her weight since probably 30. I am currently the heaviest I've ever been, but the last time I was pretty much this big, she looked at me in disgust one day & asked "how much do you weigh???" in a less than impressed tone of voice. I wanted the earth to open up & swallow me, I  felt so ashamed, and revolting. Did she think I din't realise???? Of course, she later vehemently denied having ever said such a thing! She is also constantly saying to my sister and I "Oh, those Jones girls ( longtime family friends) are soooo skinny" pretty much every other time we see her.  SO....I will not be telling my own mother, which is not how I wish it were.

My youngest, my only daughter, who will be 14 by my surgery date, is really quite overweight, much bigger than I ever was as a child. I try very hard not to say anything that might make her self conscious, just try to encourage good eating & sport. It's her I'm most concerned about telling, out of all of my children (I also have 3 boys) Just not sure what to do there. My SIL has told her 3 daughters. 

Lisa I laughed at your blabber mouth/over-sharer comment!! It's great that you have some good friends to support you. I know what you mean by the skinny people saying "oh, I'm so fat, I really need to lose 678 grams, i'm so fat!!!" I think it's the high maintenance, needy ones , who want to hear "Noooo, you're so skinny and gorgeous, and SKINNY" ! 

It's complicated, isn't it ? I don't really want to tell my sister, either, only b/c she is very overweight as well, and she may very well love to have WLS (I don't know that for sure, she may not!) but there's no way she could afford it, and she's not big enough to go on the Public list. I just don't want to risk upsetting her! I think for now I'll just keep it to the few I've told, and I'll see how I feel about it all after the surgery. When I get excited about something, I tend to want to tell everyone, so, who knows, maybe that's how I'll feel when I hit goal weight??

I haven't been on here very long, but I love it so much already - such a great place for information, guidance, help, support and encouragement, as well as inspiration.

It's great to know that even if we don't feel comfortable telling others, or many others, we can come here and tell everyone, and they all understand where we're coming from and will listen with a sympathetic, rather than judgemental ear!

I understand how that feels, Jadzia - being the biggest in a group. Almost all my friends are thin (with a couple of exceptions) and I live in an area where everyone seems to be thin, blonde and gorgeous. My youngest child is still in primary school and so there's a bit of interaction between the parents (which I try avoid as much as possible but sometimes it can't be helped!) I always feel awkward and the odd one out.

I'm a pretty confident person and have always had lots of friends but that doesn't stop me from feeling left out when I'm so obviously different to everyone around me. Especially when everyone talks about the latest clothes they've bought - sometimes they even suggest I "check out so and so store", which totally perplexes me. I know I'm fat - there's no disguising it. Are they pretending not to notice? I honestly don't know... Or when the skinny minnies go on about how fat they are and how they must lose weight. How do they think that makes me feel?

I completely understand your reluctance to tell people, and you don't have to. Thank goodness we all have each other for support.

The people I've told are all people I was sure would support my decision and they have. I'm lucky to have a small band of wonderful friends who I know love and respect me no matter what my size, so telling them was a pretty safe choice.

I haven't had my surgery yet, and so far only my husband and mother know I'm having it. I know I'll have to tell my mother-in-law when she comes for dinner this weekend and all I'm having is Optifast (she'll want to know why) - but I don't really want to.

Everyone who knows me has only ever known me as fat (been obese since I was very small). Hubby is really supportive, as he knows I've been struggling all my life to get slim and healthy. My mother is torn between her desire for me to lose weight (she's completely anti-fat and has repeatedly said to my face that she'd kill herself if she ever got as fat as me, and that the worst thing in life is to be fat) and her fear of me going into surgery for such a risky procedure, but so far is supporting my decision to go ahead. Unfortunately she's a little bit senile and forgets the actualities of the surgery and I have to re-explain it every time, and every time she freaks out all over again :/

I don't have many friends, and none I would consider discussing this with. Most are the wives of hubby's work colleagues, and most, like my mother, are rail-thin and have never struggled with their weight - though one of hubby's closest male friends has, and I have long suspected he might have had some form of WLS a couple of years back (he was drinking Optifast, then lost a whole bunch of weight fairly fast) - but I'm not so nosy I would ask him outright... Because they're all rail-thin, I have never really fitted in with them in their social circle, and I get the feeling that if it were to come out that I had used WLS as my tool for WL, they would somehow find it a cop-out, or taking the easy way out (despite 40 years of constant dieting and trying every method of WL under the sun) and would think even less of me than they already do. I don't know. They might surprise me.

I think maybe it's a form of self-preservation to just not tell anyone unless I have to :/

Hi, I'm four months out and have only told my husband and my best friend. My 2 teenage children don't know (they know I had surgery but I was vague about the details). A lot of friends and family have remarked on my weight loss but I tell them that I'm following a nutritionist's food plan (which I am). 

I don't feel comfortable sharing my WLS details with people and they don't really need to know. I don't want to talk about it with people, I don't want the WLS to define me or categorise me. I just want to get on with losing weight and feeling better about myself.

I only told 2 friends before my sleeve, as I didn't want to have to deal with any negativity, now nearly 13 months out, and over 40kg lost, I don't think there is any need to tell people that I had the sleeve, as what I say is actually the truth,
"I got sick of being so fat, and only I could change that. I have cut out carbs, ice cream and chocolate in my diet, and the weight is dropping off me.. I also take my little dog for long walks"
No-one really noticed until I had lost about 20 kg.
Now I'm over a year out, I don't think its relevant to say about the sleeve. No ones business...
When ppl ask straight out how much have I lost, or how much do I weigh now, I tell them I never told my husband my weight, so Im definitely not telling you. I think if they are that rude, I be rude back, as it is none of their business what I weigh!
I don't have any close family, so that's not a problem to me. I do love to tell the shop assistants when they ask what size I am, and I say . I don't know, I love their weird look I always get, so then I tell them...

Im over 40kg down now, and loving the next exciting stage of dreaming about my future plastics...
It really is an adventure

So loving my life now!

This is such an interesting topic!

So far I've told four friends and my husband. I'm nervous about telling people and at this stage I'm not planning on telling anyone else until after it's done. (I don't want people trying to talk me out of it!) Once it's done, I think I'll just wait and see what happens. In general I'm a blabbermouth! I talk a lot and am a notorious over-sharer, so I think it'll probably be hard to keep to myself.

While I totally get why people want to keep this to themselves, part of me thinks that if this works for me then I owe it to other people struggling to be honest and not keep perpetuating the myth that I just "cut back" or "went to the gym" and that fixed everything. Because let's face it, if that truly worked for us we wouldn't be putting ourselves through major surgery!

Interestingly, one of the friends I have told has had WLS. She didn't tell me and in fact told no one outside her family (as is her right, of course!) I suspected (because of rapid weight loss) but of course wasn't rude enough to flat out ask her, and she always responded to other people's queries about her weight loss with the standard, "eating less, exercising more" reply. Anyway, when I confided that I was thinking about weight loss surgery she told me she'd had it too. She's been fantastic and really, really supportive. I just wish she'd spoken up ages ago because maybe that would have prompted me to look into this sooner!

I've told anyone who'll listen! LOL

No, seriously, I'm an oversharer and just can't keep things to myself. I haven't volunteered the information, but if people have asked my my "secret" to how I'm losing weight or asked what I've been doing eating wise, I happily tell them.

My husband thinks it empowers me to talk so openly about it. My kids (5 and 11) know too. 

So far, in all the people I've told, I've not been met with ANY negativity from randoms. (Well, not to my face anyway!) By far, the biggest reaction has been curiousity. Just about everyone has heard of the band, but almost zero have heard of the sleeve.  So, lots of questions, which I'm happy to answer. I see myself as a bit of an advocate for WLS and if I can help to dispel some of the stigma associated with it, then great. 

A few people before the surgery gently tried to talk me out of it, thinking it was far too drastic. I thanked them graciously for their concern but went ahead anyway. 

I totally get why many people choose not to tell. And that's absolutely their choice, but I'm just too much of a blabbermouth and love discussing surgeries way more than is probably natural! (Too much Grey's Anatomy and ER I think!)

And if ever I meet someone who says I've taken the easy way out (which was my husband initially actually! He's since done a complete 360 on that idea!) then I wouldn't care anyway. I like to think I have enough resilience not to let it bother me.

Hi people! Im not torn at all, i have told my boss, he has to give me time off, wife naturally, kids are too young to understand, 7 yr knows im trying to get healthier, made no mention of surgery.
Fellow workers have asked why i am taking 3 weeks off 'when you went to the snow only last month'? I need my rest is all i've said! They'll  suspect something's afoot when i start melting away, but i wont be telling & neither will my wife. 
Havnt had to worry about parents/relatives- they live in Africa- might tell mama after the fact- we'll see!

Hi, I am also very torn about telling ppl. My husband knows of course and 2 friends and my brother who live interstate and I only told them because they all have had WLS.

I don't want to tell ppl and be judged or hear how they think if I just eat less and move more the weight will just drop off.

My inlaws live just around the corner and my 17 yo son is at home so I am unsure what I will be telling them 😕

I want this to be a positive journey and that is why I have kept this quiet so far. I still have a few months to decide what to do. .....

I am nearly a year out from my Op and I have told some people and not others.

I only told my immediate family before the surgery and told close friends after. In fact two close friends I only told when I saw them several months after the surgery as I wanted it to be a surprise when they saw the slimmer me :)

I didn't tell any one else before surgery because I did not want to hear the negatives and the 'helpful' suggestions.

What I have done at work is told those people who I think might be interested in the surgery, those who carry the extra weight. Those who are slimmer I don't say much except watching what I eat, which of course is the truth.
Those who want to know how much I have lost I usually say 'not enough' until I hope I can say 'enough'

My weight is dropping more slowly now so they are used to me looking slimmer and the curiosity has passed.

If you need an excuse for the surgery, you can always say 'hernia repair' as if you have one the surgeon will usually fix it at the same time. Do use gall bladder, unless you have had yours out because many who have this surgery will later have to have their gall bladder removed.

I never told my boss the nature of the surgery, just that I would be off for a few weeks.

Sutika wrote:

I'm telling everyone without being weird about it. Too early tell if that's great strategy or disastrous but works for my personality 😊

Good on you, Sutika, that's awesome! :-) 

Hope you're doing well, too !

I'm telling everyone without being weird about it. Too early tell if that's great strategy or disastrous but works for my personality 😊

I know, plp, I think a great number of people see any WLS as 'cheating" or "taking the easy way out", and would judge us as being lazy , based on that. I guess I kind of thought that it was cheating a bit, too, when I first considered it (and didn't go ahead), and although my husband hasn't verbalised as much , I know that's his opinion, too, to a certain extent! It's hard to know, isn't it? I don't like lying to people, either. I think my plan will be , initially, to tell people that I've eaten a lot less and exercised, which is not lying - that IS how I will lose the weight....it's just that I'll have a tool to help me accomplish that!!! 

Box Of Jewels    UGH!! at the bra shop lady....SOOO helpful....not, 'cos I've never tried that before ! ROTFL @ "starvation, mostly" . I think it's quite  rude when people ask specifics about weight, and I think you're absolutely right, it actually is NOT anyone else's business!

My oldest is 19, youngest 14, so they will notice, especially when I just nick into hospital for a sneaky weekend!!! Have to work on that one....as I said, I'm not in the habit of lying, but I might have to go with a bit of bent, or misshapen truth :-0

I told my husband.  He's not judgemental, and very supportive.

I told some workmates and my boss - again, almost all support.  Only one workmate pissed me off - by telling me I should try the 5:2 diet.  Sigh.

I have not told my oldies, and aren't really planning on doing so unless I have to/am much further down the track - because they are judgemental.

I only told my kids (oldest 14, youngest 9) a few days before surgery.  I pretty much told them that "hey, this week will be a bit different because dad will be home looking after you and getting you to places.  I'm going to have a couple nights in hospital."  I told them all I was having an operation on my stomach, to help me be a healthier person.  The oldest had a few more questions, but I made sure this was something they knew I was doing for me, and so I could be healthier.  My youngest just wanted to know if his dad would cook tuna pasta.

They came and visited me 24 hours post op, and I think they were a bit shellshocked to see me looking less than robust, but they and I handled it well.  My parents came up 2 weeks post op, and I told them all that while it wasn't a secret, it was very personal, and I didn't really want them to tell them.  They didn't.  

Since the op, I told the lady at the bra shop, mostly so she knew I was looking for something to at least get me through a few months of losing.   I wished I hadn't - she then had some comment about buying a smaller plate and watching my portion sizes.  Sigh.  

So, probably will continue to pick and choose.   

I do not tell anyone my pre-weight, as it's none of their business.  Same with "How much have you lost".  Again, none of their business.  I'll retort with "That's a very personal question."   It shuts them up, because really - I think it's rude they even ask.  

If they ask how I've done it, I say "starvation, mostly".  And smile.  That's still true, post op.  It's not rude, but it tends to put a halt on further interrogation.

Hi fat-to-fit,

I'm also struggling with the same topic.  So far, I have only told my husband and he is fully supportive.  He's only ever known me "big" and knows the inner conflict I deal with and how it gets me down.

I've told my manager that I'm having surgery, so that I could get my leave approved but I didn't tell him what surgery and he didn't ask.

So, I'm in that situation where I know that people are likely to notice and comment on my weight loss (fingers crossed it's noticeable) and I really don't want to lie to people but at the same time I feel like it is my personal journey and I'm not sure I want to share it.  I'm the "fat" one in my circle of friends and even though I know that my friends are supportive I'm just not sure they will understand and not judge.

I'm torn.  Any advise from other sleevers would be fantastic!

PLP

Hi everyone, I was just thinking about pre and post op , how I'll be eating, what I'll be eating , losing weight, how I'll look and what others will be thinking , how I'll explain my ( hopefully significant) weight loss and change in eating habits. I was wondering who you told before and / or after your sleeve. 
I'm due to be sleeved in November. I've had to wait 12 months for PHI to roll over, but with a history of 20+ kg yo yoing , I have certainly considered WLS before. Anyway, now that I have made this decision , I have obviously told my husband, and I have told 3 other friends. I don't really want to tell my mum or my sister , and I'm unsure what exactly to tell my 4 teenaged children! 
I told 2 of my friends b/ c they told me about the breast reduction they each were having , so I think subconsciously I thought they wouldn't judge me (????) I have a friend who is by into the natural way of doing things. My hubby thought I'd never tell her, but the opportunity arose one day, and I actually thought if I don't tell her, I must doubt my decision. So , I told her. She has watched me go down , back up, down , back up over & over. We go to the gym 4 times a week together. One of the times I lost weight I did get a little too small, and she gently said something to me- not out of jealousy or nastiness, so I do really value her opinion. We were having coffee together , and after we'd pretty much finished she said " I think this is actually a really good thing for you." I felt my decision was really vindicated , I was so grateful she said that, and I know she had thought about it and was being honest ( hubby was waiting to say " see , I knew she'd think it was a bad idea" ) !!! I know others will think I'm nuts, and in not sure who I will tell afterwards. Any thoughts/ experiences ?