Hubby totally against surgery

It is very sad to read of non support for something that will help gain health. As they say on Facebook, it's complicated. So many layers in human relations.

For the record, my husband was pretty neutral. I made it clear that I was doing this. I did not need to ask any type of permission, as I paid for the whole pre and post op treatment with money I inherited.

He likes the new body.

Zoe

I think partners react negatively because they are scared of change-us changing/ the relationship changing and they think we will run off now weve lost weight-which is sooo not true if you loved each other and theyve always loved you when you were big and had a good relationship before surgery/wloss.

(Partners who have been controlling or abusive over a long period in a relationship would definaltey be afraid of loosing control and thier partner getting self confidence because then they may actually say f you,I deserve better and leave.And yes you should!)

We do change-we get more confident and begin to start living life,maybe wanting to go out,when weve always hidden away away before,or start dressing up in nice clothes/wearing makeup, going tthe gym etc So I can see from a partners perspective its all new and it is a change-unknown territory.

I think reassuring your partner that you still love them as theyve loved you wether big or small is important.

My hubby got really insecure and possessive/jeleuos when i lost weight and started going to the gym- Iwas getting really mad and thinking I hate you why are you being like this for- until we talked and he told me how he felt,which was that he thought he would be left behind and that i might not love him anymore,which I thought was crazy and just the opposite of how i felt,he's always loved and supported me,even when i was 127kg,he never put me down so why would i leave.

We started going to the gym together and doing more stuff together which was great.


Communicate,stay strong and dont take any crap,lifes to short!!

shelly

My hubby was totally supportive before I had the surgery. Now that I have had it he has become very negative. He is very insecure and in the past sabotaged my efforts at weight loss but he can't sabotage this. He thinks that once I'm skinny that I will change. Every time we have an argument he says see I told you, you would change. I don't understand it because I was very slim when I met him. I have decided that this isn't for him it's for me and I need to be healthy and happy. I'm hoping that he will come to his senses soon. I think that you need to do whats best for you and if that means having the surgery you should do it. If your hubby won't support it look at accessing your superanuation to help cover costs and speak to a relative or a good friend about being there to help with kids and what not while your in hospital. I wish you the best of luck with your journey and I hope your husband backs you 100% before and after the surgery.

J - totally agree.

Kate - it's one thing I miss about Eric being here, we had talked about band surgery for ages but couldn't afford it. He was always supportive, very blessed was I. He used to say how many things we could try in the bedrm (or whereever) when I had lost weight, he never complained except sometimes he had to push me off lol. Yeah, I miss the silly man and of course the sex. lol (maybe one day...)

Thank you all for your comments and support. We are going to have a talk tonight so I am preying that he will understand and come around.

I love this site, it's a great form of support

XO

@ Lin, that's my hubby he absolutly loves my sleeve & my new found "confidence" in the bedroom!! Wink wink!!
Well said J, as usual!

My reply will be short, sweet and very blunt.

You're going to be a much healthier and happier person from now on.. Fuck him and his thoughts. Simple.

bloody men (some of them anyway). If he's smart he'll come good as he sees you getting healthier and happier and not being sure of your sex life, he might get more and actually be pushing you off cause he can't keep up with you lol.

Tracylee,

I was/am in the same position. My hubby was against it when I was looking into getting a band. We ended up compromising with him supporting but not approving my decision. Then, after all my research and discussing both options with the surgeon, I changed to the sleeve.

I didn't tell hubby at first because I knew how he would react. Was I ever right?

I am sleeved and he hits me with questions and his skewed version of the facts. I just answer his questions and correct his misinterpretation. He teaches human biology so he started saying that I have butchered my stomach, it will never function properly again etc. I corrected him with the studies and information that says that all nerves etc are left intact so the stomach functions properly.

In the end, it was my decision and my health at stake. I want to be healthy and to live a long life. I want to be around for my children (age 10 and 12) and to participate in their lives, not just sit on the sidelines.

He still makes comments and asks stupid questions ...

- Why didn't you see a psychiatrist before such a drastice "fad" procedure? F-Off. It isn't a fad procedure. [Gave him all the history etc] I researched it for over 5 months. I tried to involve him but he wouldn't read the info I gave him or attend the information sessions that were on offer.

- Why don't you just eat less and exercise more? With the sleeve, I will finally be able to.

- Did you do this to yourself because of me? No, I did it for me.

- Why did you gain all that weight in the first place, you were skinny last year? No, I was still obese, just not morbidly. I gained it all back, plus some, just like I have done off and on for the last 20 years. Yoyo dieting is more dangerous to my body than anything.

Today it was ...

- How will you be able to exercise when you can't drink that much water? I will be able to consume 2 - 3 litres of water just like a "full stomach" person.

- Did you know that you can't eat and drink at the same time? Yep, I stop drinking about half an hour before (sometimes even 15 minutes before but I like the half hour rule) and recommence about an hour afterwards (some can do it in half an hour). When I was young and reasonably healthy, I used to carry a bottle of water with me all the time. I intend to recommence that practice. I do it at work anyway because our office air is horrible for my throat and dries it out.

I have told him that he is beating a dead horse. I am so happy with my decision. My recovery has been pretty remarkable. I have no regrets, other than telling him! I have a wonderful life to lead and the next year or so is going to be tough, but I will do it ... with or without his support.

It sucks not being able to share my daily victories with him (yesterday I managed over a litre of water and 2 liquid meals). However, that's what this site is for. I get my support for my fellow sleevers.

All the best.

Originally he said "if it's what you really want, I won't stop you"? Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but at least then he was amenable to your decision. Obviously he hasn't said anything negative about it since, as you were feeling good about it.

So I'm wondering if it's just hit home, and he's scared? Or maybe he's just having a bad day and you caught him at a difficult time? Needless to say, you'll have to discuss it with him again, and I hope that when you do, he's more positive about it.

Good luck!

Heya Tracy :)

Sorry to hear that your husband feels the way he does. I actually know of two husbands who were against this surgery. One is a friend of a friend who is nearly 170kgs and has been fattened up her husband because he really likes big women - she hasn't gotten it done. The other one is my Aunty whose husband was against the surgery but did not stop her. He wasn't happy about it though. Initially. Once she recovered and he saw for himself how happy and healthy she has become. She's lost 30 kilos since the surgery in May, he says it's the best decision she made and had wished she had done it years ago.

I am going to guess that your husband will probably fall under the second category. And the reasons, like my Uncle, is probably the same. He is probably scared and worried about this and doesn't want to reveal that fear so instead he is getting stubborn about the topic. Only until after she was on the other side was he able to confess those fears.

When my Aunty was on optifast she lost nearly 10 kilos and he was like, why couldn't you do this instead? Because dieting works for the short term, the sleeve helps your weight loss last the long term. And people who have not struggled with weight can not understand what it is like. How it can take over and control every aspect of it, it's a burden carried around in your head, not just on your body.

So at the end of the day, it's your health and body, and in that domain, you are allowed to be totally selfish. You have to do what's best for you. And take the time out you need after surgery too, because doing house work and getting back on your feet only a few days afterwards can result in damage and risk to your health.

Keep us updated - I hope this works out for you :)

Hi Tracy sorry to hear that hubby seems against the sleeve op. When I first broached the subject with mine he was initially against it. However I did lots of reading and research and once I had all the information I needed I sat down and discussed it fully with him. I also was able to discuss the surgery with my sister and a friend who had the op back in 2010.
After all this he changed his mind and has been behind me 100% and given me fantastic support. He has realized that getting my weight off will mean I will be able to lead a much healthier life and we will be able to do so much more together.
Best of luck and I hope you can show hubby what a difference having this op could mean for you all in the long run.

Liz :))

Hi Tracy,

I am sorry to hear you don't have your husbands support, I was not put in this situation I had the full support of my family. What is his issue with the surgery? It is very difficult for those who don't have a weight issue to understand why it is so hard to lose weight. I wish you luck and all the best with convincing your hubby that this surgery could be the best thing for you and your family. It is not selfish to want to live a long healthy life for your children. Take care

I havent been in this position. When I discussed having the sleeve with DH he said if thats what you want go for it. His only request is that he has his tonsil surgery 1st. This isn't even booked yet but he sees specialist 8th oct. He was told by another specialist they had to be removed but we moved etc so it wasn't done.

I actually want DH to have the sleeve as he has @ least 40kg on me and I am obese. But it has to be his choice.

Nearly 2 yrs ago I had a breast reduction Dh took a month off work so he could look after our twins (then aged 5)

hopefully you can discuss it more calmly

I went to the surgeon today, to discuss being sleeved. I am so ready for this operation after having tried for years to lose weight on my own. All went well and I left his office with some dates available for surgery and a big smile on my face.

Just rang my hubby to try and work out what dates are best for him as he will have to have two days off work (provided everything goes to plan) as I have two boys aged 5 & 9. I tried to discuss this operation with him some time ago and all he would say is "if it's what you really want I won't stop you" BUT today he accused me of being selfish and not thinking of others. I tried to tell him how much my weight is affecting me and how much I hate myself to which he replied "what have you eaten today, have you done any exercise". I can not have this op without his support and he is so pig headed I don't think he will ever support my decision to be sleeved.

Has any one else had this dilemma????